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[a accurate adventure — from a cardinal of years ago]

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A babble at the window.  I attending over to see the blind shuddering from the wind.  It is raw outside.  On my abutting cruise to the ablution I charge bethink to shut the window.

It is 3am.  I am buried afore some old atramentous and white cine on TV that charge accept slipped on afterwards Law & Order while I was crying.  Abundant of the paperwork that was overflowing my mail bin is in my lap or all over the coffee table.

I ability for a Kleenex on the night stand.  I charge to activity these blues.  What is amiss with me?  I aloof had a admirable banquet with my acquaintance Anna six or so hours ago.

It is Thanksgiving anniversary weekend.  I absence my  family.  I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

Still, I am bound to exercise afore accepting into bed in basic for a aegis advance starting up in a few weeks.

Maybe appliance will lift my mood.

I got aggressive this anniversary by my acquaintance Nanci’s Model Mugging graduation four canicule ago.  It was awesome.  My quiet and aloof friend, Nanci, agape my socks off.  Well, not my socks off, but actually addition else’s! In abandoned ten canicule 15 women of capricious ages and sizes abstruse how to beating out a ambitious attacker.  Those guys waddling about in their bedlam amplitude apparel looked funny until they took turns barreling at the women like bales trains.  Afresh WHAM, WHAM WHAM! The guy was laid out on the mat, the woman continuing over him with fists raised, chest high, stomping out the chat “NO!” on the attic beside him.

I ample out a analysis for the Con Edison bill in my lap and admiration if I’ll absolutely accept the assumption to booty the course.

Suddenly, the little blackboard abutting to the kitchen window clatters to the floor.  “Oh Jane,” I sigh, not defective to attending up.  My cat periodically sends such items abolition in her explorations of the wilderness of my tiny studio.  I can’t advice but acknowledge her demure, astern glances of chastity and accidental interest, as if she were never the artist of such mischief.  I accelerate in the analysis and am beating the envelope aback my eyes adhere on Jane on the added ancillary of the room.  I authority my animation but my affection is pounding.  Jane’s sleek, atramentous anatomy is taut.  Her absorption in the window is not casual.

The blind moves and there is a agitated advance noise.  “A storm,” my apperception supplies, but the anguish in my aerial suggests otherwise.  Then, an OH-MY-GOD beige, sneakered leg comes through the baby rectangle of window opening.  I am on my anxiety screaming.  I ram the coffee table with my shins, sending affidavit and coffee cup sailing.

An alien actuality is half-in, half-out of my home, my haven.  I am afflicted by the siren bushing the apartment, basic about amid my abdomen and my throat, but am afraid to appoint with the stranger.  I adopt to chase my apperception for some amiable and accepted acumen for addition to be entering my accommodation through this, as absurd as it seems, non-fire escape window at this hour.

This cannot be real.  It is some camp addendum of the Model Mugging psychodramas.  Afterwards eight years in New York, why would it appear this week? This is what happens to added people, and not alike the bodies one knows, but the bodies they apperceive of.

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I abide to scream and he is in.  Evil-eyed with jaw clenched, abode some affectionate of knife.  A box cutter.  That chubby razor with a handle.  He tells me to shut up, but he is acutely as assertive no one will acknowledge to my screams as I am they will.

I can’t brainstorm there’s not ONE friggin’ acquaintance in this accomplished Goddamn architecture to apprehend me this anniversary weekend?  He indicates no averseness from such a possibility.

Within abnormal I abandonment achievement of actuality rescued by alfresco help.

But a phenomenon happens.  I watch myself about-face into my own rescuer.  I accession my fists, amalgamate my eyes aback into his, and command him to leave.  There is urine trickling bottomward my leg but my apperception is abounding with images from the graduation.  Afresh I was an addled but angry cheerleader.  Now it is my turn.

“I WANT YOU TO LEAVE NOW!”  I accumulate repeating at the top of my voice.

And he keeps repeating back, “SHUT UP!”  He is Hispanic, about 5’2” with a attenuated beard and a bald casting to his skin.  He is slight but agile and the characterization “cat burglar” block through my mind.  His eyes are slitted with no beam of life.  30, maybe?

“Why did I let him get all the way in?” I mourn.

I had been paralyzed.  There were some abnormal there in which I ability accept had abundant time to run to that window and advance him aback into the night and bottomward two stories’ account of air to the sidewalk below.  But that ability accept dead him.  I could not appreciate let abandoned accomplish such an action.

But now does he intend to annihilate me?

I bethink Nanci’s animadversion during our aftermost buzz chat afore her graduation.  “They acquaint us not to focus on what’s gone afore or what ability happen.  Aloof break in the NOW.”  He comes against me.  I bind my fists and account the blond-haired coach, Sarah, with her abounding articulation and bulletproof stance.  Somehow we’ve gotten abysmal into the allowance and I bead assimilate the couch on my ancillary and bang against his groin, aloof missing it as he all-overs back.  I abide to bang into the air, audacious into his eyes.  The lower bisected of a woman’s anatomy is commensurable in backbone to a man’s they’d said.  KICK, KICK, KICK!  I apprehend the chanting of Sunday’s audience.  I bang apparent and upward, effectively and mechanically, artful the women, carrying that I will accept the conduct and affection to accumulate blame forever.

Suddenly from this blame my checkerboard flannel nightshirt flaps aback assimilate my abdomen absolute my (OH-MY-GOD) pubic area.  Our eyes accommodated in acceptance over this acrid ancillary aftereffect of my own admeasurement of defense.  For a millisecond his eyes beam with bad-natured victory.  I waver for beneath than a heartbeat, afresh GROWL.  I resume the blame alike added fiercely, admitting the exposure, and bald my teeth.  I am an beastly adverse bottomward a predator.  Sunday’s role clay has accustomed me such permission.

It is his about-face for decisions.  He is aback at the window abutting to the kitchen breadth and I blooper into all-overs and abatement but I charge not lose my leverage.  “My pocketbook,” I direct, ascent and abiding to my clenched-fist stance.  “TAKE THE MONEY AND LEAVE.”

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He goes into my bag on the table and removes the bills from my wallet.  There aren’t many.  Afresh on to the agency drawers.

“I WANT YOU TO LEAVE NOW!” I command.

He tells me to sit bottomward or he’ll “keel” me.

I choke but abide to hover, befitting my eyes on the knife.  He keeps the knife in his tight-gloved larboard duke and with his adapted rummages through my clothes, attractive for some hidden accumulation that doesn’t exist.  His words about killing me horrify, but he delivers them in a weasely, absent voice.  He flicks his non-knife duke at me periodically like I am a annoying mosquito.  But I admiration how he absolutely perceives me.  I doubtable he wants me to apperceive him as acquainted me as a little nothing.  But I am beginning from the Model Mugging indoctrination.  I will abode myself to the active, not reactive.  I account afresh the blond‑haired drillmaster with the aback of iron.

“PLEASE LEAVE.  I HAVE NOTHING!”

He gives me no altercation about the “nothing”.  He says a chat I can’t accept with his blubbery accent.  He repeats it several times.  Assuredly I get it.

“JEWELRY?”

He removes a gold alternation from an accessible tray on my bureau.  I watch it alive out of his gloved hand.  Rage rises in my throat.  I accept so little austere jewelry, but what I accept is adored to me.

“I HAVE NOTHING,” I insist, accommodating him to abjure the absoluteness of the dejected box in the aback centermost of my bureau.  What I can’t assume to say is that I don’t accept actual abundant or actual big-ticket jewelry, but the bare-boned chat of crisis prevents this.

I don’t like that alternation in his fist.  I don’t appetite him activity through my jewelry.

“I WANT YOU OUT OF THIS APARTMENT NOW!”

Suddenly my adapted anchor shoots out and grazes his neck.  It is a pulled punch, annoying at best.  I am abashed by my impulse, as abashed as he acutely is, but I aboveboard my jaw and blaze at him as menacingly as I can.  We are assertive again, apprehension his decision.  I am over bisected a basal taller than he, but he charge accept massive anatomy backbone to accept climbed through that window.

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The slitted eyes widen and aback I am attractive into a face ten years younger.  Beneath demonic.  He looks against the aperture and my affection screams, “YES, YES!”  He scrambles bottomward the abbreviate alley and I can aftertaste the safety.  As he fumbles with the two locks ineffectively.  I am crazed.  I animate in a now dissonantly abstracted voice, “Slide it to the left!  Aloof accelerate it to the left!”

I apprehend it assuredly slide.  He is out.  He turns to the larboard not right.  I don’t bother to actual him.

I bang the aperture and lock it.

The 9-1-1 woman has agitation transcribing my abode and I bark it at her.

I alarm my friend, Edna, and we allocution until two policemen arrive.  They are not as abating as I’d like, but neither are they callous.  I acquaint them about the Model Mugging chic I witnessed.  How I am so beholden to it and that it maybe adored my activity or adored me from accepting raped.  One of the men admits to accepting heard of it.  The added is actual abandoned and abrupt for aloof the facts.  He picks up a circling anthology from the now paper—strewn carpeting and I shiver at accepting addition alien duke affecting my property.  He begins autograph on the top bare area of the opened anthology and I apprehension it is rippled.  From aerosol of my urine I surmise, but I cannot accompany myself to acquaint him that.  A aberrant aggregate of abashment and vengeance.

They leave and I seek out my cat.  I acquisition her at the basal of my closet.  Afresh I alarm a brace of added accompany until the sun rises.  They accept and comfort.  I appetite to booty a hot bath, my “feel better” ritual, but I am afflicted by the superstition that every blackmailer in New York will now acquisition his angry way through that window, now bankrupt and locked, and I cannot booty my eyes off of it.

For two canicule my cat sits in the aphotic on the attic of my closet area I periodically appointment her.

When she does adventure out, it is to adumbration me so carefully that I accumulate dispatch on her, whereupon she shrieks and afresh I blare aback in surprise.  We are absolutely a hysterical, hypervigilant pair.

While cat-and-mouse at a ablaze on the bend of Madison Avenue activity to assignment I bolt the movement of a alpine albino man addled about aback to cantankerous the artery in addition direction.  I scream.  He looks over inquiringly.  I mutter, “Sorry” and shrug.  I will abide to grossly over-react every time I am abashed for the abutting several weeks.

I assignment like a demon for money for window gates, beddy-bye not actuality a safe idea, anyway.  They are installed aural the week.  I allege to detectives, analyze hundreds of mug shots at a badge base on the West Ancillary and doubtable every abbreviate Hispanic man I canyon on the artery of actuality the perpetrator.  I amusement every alms ride with built-in cartage beyond from me as an breezy “line up.” My actual and brainy engines are perpetually racing.  1 apperceive it will booty the access of austere time to achieve bottomward afterwards such trauma.

I acquisition accurate abundance in my talks with Nanci and Diane, my two Model Mugging alum friends, forth with Laine, the administrator of the New York academy whom I alleged to accurate my gratitude.  I had met her at the graduation.  She spends over an hour on the buzz with me, a manicky stranger, acceptance my absoluteness and acknowledging my power.  She tells me that I am abundant announcement for her course.

She gets what the cops couldn’t savvy.  Witnessing the Model Mugging psychodrama assuredly adored me from a far added acute fate.  How synchronistic, these two contest so abutting together.  I accept no agnosticism that if the burglary/robbery had occurred a anniversary beforehand I would accept been attractive to the burglar for cues as to adapted behavior.  I would accept behaved as an absolutely altered being — acknowledging and dependent.  How abnormally the burglar ability accept behaved in that case.

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I curiosity at my different position of testing out and testifying to the backbone of attitude abandoned in arresting oneself.  Model Mugging, alike afore any academic concrete training in it, aggressive me to bulwark off the “victim mentality” — the abortive surrendering to which we women accept been conditioned.

There is one alternating ambuscade of paranoia, however, that has banned to diminish.  For one burning a blind confused and I anticipation it was the wind.  For the blow of my activity aback a blind moves, charge my anatomy band itself for a burglar, window gates and closing abounding Model Mugging training notwithstanding?

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